There but for the grace of God go my child..

This past week saw the drowning deaths of three beautiful children who had wandered away from their families.  All three were autistic and non-verbal and were able to sneak away without their families noticing.  They were all horrible tragedies and sadly the parenting skills of each of the families are being questioned in the wake of them. 

What happened in each circumstance was NOT bad parenting of any sort.  Nearly half of children with autism elope or wander away from home, school and public places.  It's horrible and tragic when it happens but it's not always avoidable as much as people believe.  Children move quickly and even the most diligent parent who is on the ball isn't always able to notice when they're not where they were two seconds before.

Imagine that being your lifestyle 24/7 where you're on constant alert worrying that your child will bolt away from you.  That's not a ideal situation but most autism parents adopt a roll with it attitude about life because we're not really given another choice.  Our children are often fearless - I know mine is - and have no or very little concept of danger.  Water is a huge attraction for most of our kids and while we're aware of the dangers that can happen to them if they went into it unsupervised, they are not.

When people on the outskirts of autism parenting, i.e. parents of typical kids, hear of things like this happening I think it's easy to wonder if the parents who lose their children in this way somehow dropped the ball or let it happen in some way.  People are especially quick to pass judgment about situations that they don't know much about or think that they would've handled differently if they were in the same situation.  I don't know why we as parents do that to each other but we do and it's a sad fact.  I've even heard some autism parents making judgmental comments about how the parents of these lost children should've been more alert and that somehow could've prevented these tragedies from happening.  That bothers me even more than when parents of typically developed kids say those things.  They're not true, not fair and do nothing in the way of offering up what those parents need the most right now - our support and prayers. 


My son has wandered off on two separate occasions and each time we didn't know of his whereabouts for about ten minutes.  Without exaggeration I can say that those were the longest ten minutes of my life each time it happened.  In both instances we were out - once was at a Chuck E. Cheese and the other time we were on a school field trip to a pumpkin patch - and each time I got distracted for a second and he was gone.   Both situations freaked me out and once I could breathe again after my child was found I was unbelievably relieved and thankful he was okay. 

I was one of the lucky ones and I've never lost sight of that.  I truly wish that the parents of Mikaela, Owen and 2 year-old Drew Howell whose story didn't make the national media were among the lucky ones as well. 

RIP sweet babies.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day - a holiday I dread every year.

I know that as a mom I should enjoy that day but I don't.  I especially hate the week or so leading up to the holiday where all you see on television or in print are ads that have to do with finding the perfect gift for mom for her special day. 

I love that I have a sweet child who makes me wonderful things every year for that holiday.  His gifts make me happy and I've loved each one he's made for me at school.  I'm not a materialistic person so nothing else is really needed beyond appreciation for what I do as a mom.  That's plenty for me.  What makes the holiday hard for me is that my own mom is no longer here to celebrate that day.  For me Mother's Day was always about her, not myself. 

My first Mother's Day without her was in 2009 on the six month anniversary of her passing.  The pain was still very raw then and that was the hardest one yet.  Since then every holiday or special occasion has been a lesson in adjustment for myself and those who love and miss her as well.  I honestly miss going out and buying her a gift and a card to honor her on her day so it just didn't feel right when the time rolled around where I would be doing that and she was no longer here to receive them. 

I'm not sure why but this year has really been harder for me.  One reason could be that I've learned, thanks to my panic attacks that started back in February, that I really hadn't dealt with my grief over losing her fully.  I had swept much of my sadness under the proverbial rug in my attempt to focus on my child and how her passing was affecting him. With the panic attacks came a renewed feeling of sadness and I've experienced emotions regarding her passing that I really hadn't before.  That could explain my depression lately and the crying jags that seem to come from out of nowhere. 

I'm not the first person to lose a mom who was invaluable to them nor will I be the last.  We're taught that death is one of the two inevitable parts of life and that we should show love and appreciation for our loved ones all the time because you never know what tomorrow brings.  All of that is true  What I feel so much gratitude for is the fact that my mom and I were in the best place possible in terms of our relationship when she passed.  Considering that we didn't always have a great rapport together I find that to be a tremendous blessing.  I knew how much I meant to her and she knew the same.

She wrote me a letter before she died that I found shortly afterwards and it's truly one of my most treasured possessions.  When I am feeling especially lonely for her I will take it out and read it.  It's full of love and   the letter was directed not only to me but to my husband and son.  She apologized for having to go and let my son know all the fighting she did to stay alive was to see him grow up and live up to his full potential.  My husband had lost his father less than two years before so she told him how badly she felt that he was going to be experiencing another loss so soon.

I started this post to talk about Mother's Day and ended up veering off a bit to talk about how much I miss my own mom.  I feel like a lost little girl when I open up about that.  I don't feel shame in feeling that way either.  Deep inside all of us is a part of the child we once were and the most important person in most children's lives is their mom.  I don't think it matters at what age that that inner child in all of us loses their mom; it's a profound event that changes us and we feel lost when it happens.  I can't speak for everyone, of course, but that is definitely been the case with me.

To anyone out there reading this I thank you for reading my long and rambling post here.  I look forward to the day where I feel less pain when this holiday comes around.  I wish all mothers the happiest of days tomorrow and hope that you're surrounded by love and shown the appreciation you all deserve. 

Puberty?! Nooooooooooooooooooooo.

Merriam-Webster defines puberty as:  the condition of being or the period of becoming first capable of reproducing sexually marked by maturing of the genital organs, development of secondary sex characteristics, and in the human and in higher primates by the first occurrence of menstruation in the female.

My own personal definition:  Hell.  A hell that I am just not ready for.  At least not yet.

My son will be 11 in August so I didn't expect this to be starting now.  I know he's at the age where this stuff just naturally happens to some boys, but it's hard to imagine it happening to my child.  There are so many ways that he seems so much younger to me but he's not.   Autism has stunted his emotional growth but not his physical one.  He is a large boy, already wearing some men's size clothing and looks like he could be a teenager but he's not.
  
Puberty is scary and confusing and sad and just damn overwhelming.  And I'm just talking about the ways that it makes me feel.

I'm guessing that puberty for a mostly non-verbal boy is a whole hell of a lot more confusing than how it would be for someone who can verbalize the questions he's bound to have. Since he can't ask I've been talking to him about some of the things that I know he's going to be going through.


As of now the signs that this is definitely on the way are more emotional than physical.  His moods fluctuate worse than mine at the height of PMS.  He's become very interested in being alone at times and will retreat to his room just to hang out and watch TV by himself.  He has shown a heightened interest in girls of all ages.  He's always loved the ladies but I've noticed him staring at them while we're out in public and picking random women to smile and sometimes flirt with.

When the signs of puberty become more physical and out of the scope of what I know much about, I will let his dad step in and do his best to explain all of those things.  I don't think I'd be able to to talk to him about that kind of stuff without as much knowledge as his dad has.  Talking about wet dreams and uncontrollable erections that are to come?  Um.. no.  I'd rather not.  Just writing about them now made me tummy lurch a bit.


I'm probably coming across as naive in thinking that this just can't be happening to my boy yet and maybe I am, but it still just seems so soon.  I know and accept he's not a baby despite the fact that he is MY baby.  It doesn't matter if I am not ready for this; he probably isn't either.  At least not yet.

Short and sweet Nick story.

My child and his level of intelligence and empathy are things about him that often impress me, but the story I am about to share took me aback and made me really appreciate those qualities he has.

Some back story here first:  My son was very close to my mom and he spent a great deal of time at her house from the time he was born until she passed when he was 6.  She had made me promise not to bring him around her when she was really sick and out of it due to being overly medicated and I didn't.  The last time he went with me to her house was the week before she passed and she was having a relatively good day.  We didn't stay long and he hasn't been back to where she lived since then.

Nick is obsessed with Google Earth and has been using it to navigate all over our immediate area.  He likes to show me where the restaurants and grocery stores he likes to go to are and will continuously point them out to me until I take him to those places.   He can make his way through that app much better than I can and often finds places that I've never been to. 

Today he was using it on my phone and I noticed he was on the street that is close to where my mom lived but I didn't really think much about it.  I did wonder how he knew how to get there from where we live because it's not a straight shot at all.  Next thing I know his Daddy is standing behind him looking at where he ended up with a surprised look on his face.  He had found his way to her house and what was on the screen was a Google Earth shot of the gate in front of the complex where my mom lived.

It's been over four years since she passed and the last time he went over there and yet he found it going by memory and looking at landmarks along the way as a guide to how to get there.  I teared up when I saw the picture on his phone and told him I was so impressed he found it.  I asked him who used to live there and he said, "Na", his word for my mom. More tears.  He saw my reaction and reached out and gave me a rub on my cheek and blew me a kiss.  He has a memory like an elephant so perhaps I shouldn't have been all too surprised but I was.

I still have goosebumps thinking of it.  My brilliant boy.

I spoke too soon

Yep, those panic attacks I spoke of are back.  It had been over two weeks since my last one and I thought that I was done having them.  I even mentioned to a few people that I thought I was in the clear because they appeared to just stop as suddenly as they started.  Wrong.

I am still really on the fence about taking anything pharmaceutical for it.  I asked a group of autism moms how they handled their stresses and mentioned my panic attacks and the most common recommendations were either Klonopin or Xanax.  I did a great deal of reading on both of those and the side effects listed made me nervous just reading them.  I also checked into more natural methods of battling those attacks and think that going that route might be the least scary path for me to take.

I'm not one of those all-natural, crunchy or even semi-crunchy moms at all.  The minute I get a headache or any kind of body ache I am literally sprinting for the bottle of Aleve.  I don't look for all-natural methods to get rid of things like that; I rely on what I know to work and makes the pain go away in the quickest manner possible.  I insisted on drugs the only time I gave birth and the thought of doing that without them gives me the cold chills almost 11 years later.  Nooo way.  Uh-uh.

I understand why they started happening, or at least I think I do, now I just really want to make them stop.  Each time I get one I feel a bit hungover for a couple hours.  At least with a hangover you generally have memories - albeit cloudy ones - of a good time that was had.  There's nothing fun about these. 

I'm overwhelmed most of the time but what parent isn't?  I've been that way for years but having these panic attacks makes everything seem that much more strenuous to me.  The fact that these began right about the time that my son was about to start a month-long break from school also well.. sucks.  When he's in school I have a small amount of time each day to myself and try to take necessary breaks to keep me going.  I love my job as his mom and wouldn't trade it for anything, but like any full-time job time off is needed.  I'm hoping that when he goes back in less than two weeks and I have that time again that these will stop and I'll feel more like myself.  If they do continue and I am still feeling the need for help maybe a return to therapy might be in order.  Whatever I have to do I will do it because these aren't fun and these just need to go away. 

Anxious about anxiety

I'm an anxious sort of person and I always have been.  I tend to worry about things both in my control and out of it.  Worrying doesn't get me anywhere, I know, but it's part of who I am.  I've never really thought too much about it being detrimental to my well being because I've always done that and I figured if I was going to feel any side effects of it I would've already.  I've never developed an ulcer or suffered any other physical type of consequences because of my tendency to worry.  I can remember a few instances where I worried so much that I shook on occasion.  I did that quite a bit when my mom was really sick and about to pass away.  I felt helpless and when I couldn't banish the thoughts of what was happening to her from my brain I'd shake a little bit, have a good cleansing cry and feel better for a while.

I had never had what I now know to be a full on anxiety or panic attack though.  I didn't experience my first one until about a month ago and it scared the hell out of me.  I was on the way to the memorial of my friend Amber's mother.   My friend Karen was driving - thank God I might add - and out of nowhere I started to shake all over.  I felt very cold and my teeth began to chatter.  I suddenly felt really thirsty too.  My friend that was driving became worried about me when she turned the heat on me and I was still shaking and saying how cold I was.  She correctly guessed that I was having a panic attack and asked me if I had ever had one before.  Since I had never experienced one I wasn't sure.  All I knew is that my heart was pounding and I felt like I was coming unglued for a few minutes.  She pulled over and I ran into a convenience store for a bottle of water to help relieve my cotton mouth.  I was shaking as I paid the cashier and he was looking at me funny and I don't blame him.  I was a sight to see.. shaking all over and almost unable to pull the cash out of my wallet to pay for my bottle of water.  As soon as I got back into her car and started drinking the water I began to feel better.  My legs felt wobbly as I walked into the church but as soon as I sat down I felt a bit more like myself. 

When I got home I googled my symptoms and read up on panic attacks. I learned the difference between what is an anxiety attack is and how it's different from a panic one.  Panic attacks pretty much feel as if they're coming out of nowhere and present themselves exactly like mine did.  I began to think about why I had one that seemed so out of the blue and sudden while it was happening.  Turns out it was something I think was brewing for a while and just presented itself that way and that day.  It was the first memorial I had been to for someone's mom since I lost my own and I think that something about going to that triggered something inside of me that I had buried for the sake of functioning - my own grief.  I've known my friend who lost her mom for well more than a decade.  She's twelve years younger than I am and for some reason I've always felt very maternal towards her.  I didn't know her mom very well but I took it hard when I found out that she passed because I care deeply for my friend and know what she was going through.  I related to her pain and how she felt like a lost little girl who only wanted her mommy again.  I went through that and still to this day have those feelings.  I push them aside because I have a job to do and need to focus on my child but in my quieter and more reflective moments those feelings are there even though my mom has been gone for over four years.

I think just the act of going to her mom's memorial triggered my deep-seated sadness and instead of crying like I would normally do brought on a full panic attack.  I thought that once that day ended that would be the last of those but I was wrong.  It's almost as if the floodgates opened.  I've had four of those since then.  One happened in the middle of the night and woke me up.  I have no memory of what I might have been dreaming of that brought that particular one on but all I know is that I woke up with the same symptoms as before and it took me getting up and drinking a bottle of water and going outside for some fresh air to calm down again.

I'm torn at this point as to what to do.  I am hoping that this is something that will pass.  It's been over a week since my last one.  I am not ruling out the possibility of resorting to taking medication if this were to keep happening but I'd rather wait and see at this point.  I've never been on any form of anxiety medication or anti-depressants.  Nothing against them for other people at all but I've always worried about how they'd affect me.  I'm very, very sensitive to medication and always have been.  I was prescribed Vicodin last summer for a pinched sciatic nerve and it messed me up big time.  I was barely able to function and lost a good amount of weight.  I couldn't sleep and just felt very out of it until that stuff was out of my system.  Suffice it to say meds and I don't mix well.  I know people who've been greatly helped by meds so if I get to the point that the panic attacks are commonplace and they interfere with my ability to do what needs to be done I will do it.  I'm just hoping I don't have to.

Since I worry that just me being anxious about these attacks will bring on one I am trying to not focus too much on them.  That's partially why I wrote about it.  If I sit down and get my feelings out about something I tend to feel better and can handle whatever that is bothering me in a calmer manner.  Here's to hoping that happens with this.

The school issues we were having earlier this week were resolved by extending his month long break by a couple of extra days. He was supposed to be off for a month as of today at noon but instead I chose to keep him home on Wednesday and for the few hours that he would've been there today.   I hated having to do that but after thinking about it for a long time the other night I decided it would be the best way to go.

I resisted doing that because it felt like I was giving him exactly what he wanted - to be home and away from the confines and demands of school.  I was honestly just worried that there would be a repeat of his behavior earlier in the week.  He knew his behavior was enough to warrant an early pick up from me and I thought that he'd do the same to get out of there if he went back so soon after that.. His teacher e-mailed me thanking me for making that decision and saying that she had the same feelings about what might have happened if he came back for the remaining two days before they tracked off.

Her support meant a lot to me because I had been second guessing that decision all the way up until his bus came for him Wednesday morning and I went out to tell the driver that he was staying home.  I worried about what kind of message I was sending to him.  He is a super smart kid and remembers what works with people, especially with me.  He has a memory like an elephant and seems to file things away for future use.

A big part of my reasoning in extending his break was that I was hoping that he'd have a good amount of time as a buffer zone between his awful behavior and being sent home and when it's time to go back to school the week after Easter.  I'm not expecting him to forget what worked but hoping that that much time away and his love of routine will compel him to behave better when he does go back.  His teacher agreed with me on that as well.  In terms of bad behavior things tend to get worse before they get better with him and after how bad it was this week at school I didn't want to take any chances and risk having it get even worse.

On a purely selfish note I was sad to not have much time to myself this week before his break began. I am grateful for any and all downtime and had been looking forward to savoring the little I was going to get this week. But if I had sent him back just so I could have that much needed break what kind of mom would that have made me?  A pretty selfish beotch of one in my eyes, that's for sure.   Needing some me time doesn't make me selfish but doing it at the expense of others does.  I'm not big on judging other parents.  I generally have a way of thinking that believes that people have to do whatever works for them and since I am not in their situation who the hell am I to sit in judgment.  But this is different entirely.  This scenario is mine and I would've mentally kicked my own ass for putting my needs above others.  Totally not worth it.

Did I make the right decision?  I hope so.  If anyone would like to comment and tell me what they would've done or lend me some perspective I'd love to hear.  I'll make sure I am wearing my big girl panties too.